Seventy-Four Days

Seventy-four days have come and gone; but this journal entry still remains. February 21, 2024 I allowed my pen to glide across the cream colored pages in one of my many journals. This journal was different, its edges were covered with floral designs and its cover felt soft to the touch, a velvety texture. One of my favorites if you would ask me. February 21 was also different. My emotions were running all over on a playground of its own, uncertainty became my half in, half out friend and my words were hitting the page with a river of tears. I was drowning and I mean I was drowning fast. My words had a sharp razor edge of I just don’t knows. Here’s what I wrote:

Let’s be real. I don’t know who I fully am. I mean I’m not completely oblivious to myself. But still who am I ? Really?

I am approximately 74 days as I write this from my 32nd birthday and I truly don’t know who my authentic self is.

I’ve always wanted to be seen; by others.

Wanted to be loved; by others.

Why?  I never understood why, or maybe because I just didn’t want to accept the fact that I had put others opinions of me above what God really see’s in me.

But Why?

Because if I choose to be honest with myself, the validation of others made me feel better about myself. It made me feel worthy because I couldn’t accept myself.

Because I didn’t know how to accept myself. Because I didn’t know how to love myself.

Because I couldn’t see myself. I didn’t want to see myself. Because what I saw was not good enough. What I saw needed to be better, I had to be better.

I didn’t just not know me.

I DIDN’T LIKE ME.

I didn’t think me was enough.

I’m tired though. I’m tired of not liking me. I’m tired of being my own worse enemy. I’m tired of hiding my voice; being uncomfortable with the ways my words flow. I’m tired of being afraid to share my story; to share my thoughts that roam deep within me.

I’m ready to be me. The true authentic me.

I guess it’s not that I don’t know me.

It’s just I didn’t know how to see me.

I didn’t know how to find me.

Accept me.

Now here I am 9 months later sharing this journal entry with you and I feel like I’ve birthed something new. I’m in a space that I won’t say is easy, but it’s still beautiful at the same time. I have a deeper understanding , a lot more self awareness and a part of me deep within feels free. I feel peace, a peace that I have never felt before and honestly it started with me; me really becoming self aware of my emotions, my toxic traits and understanding how God see’s me.

Healing; It’s not an easy space to be in but what I’ve learned is its worth it if you just trust the process.

Let’s be real. That’s not easy either lol, but over time you’ll be flowing so peacefully and not even realize how far you’ve really come.