Seven Steps I Took to Start My Healing Journey.
“I realized I could be just as unhealthy to someone as they could be to me; and that wasn’t a good feeling to have. I didn’t want to be an unhealthy habit in someone’s life”.
1. I made a choice that I wanted to heal.
I decided that I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I was tired of being tired. I didn’t want to, as some people say fake it till, I make it. I wanted to be free. And even though I knew that I was literally already free. I wanted to feel free. I wanted to feel like me. I wanted to feel. I used to think that numbing myself was better than feeling the pain. But you can’t heal unless you allow yourself to feel. Suppressing my emotions was doing more harm because I was denying myself the opportunity to really dig deep and figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling.
2. I realized I could be just as unhealthy to someone as they could be to me
Have you ever thought, well this is just the way I am; deal with it or leave me alone? The right people will appreciate me, and the right people will embrace me, because well… This is ME.
I had that mindset for so long. In my mind I was misunderstood in all of my toxic ways.
My attitude was through the roof, I self-sabotage everything I could touch, think or breathe on and I was okay with that; or so I thought. I was the common denominator in some cases, and I still was not the problem. Now even though some situations weren’t my fault, and some people and situations do just really suck; sometimes I was one of those sucky people that caused a sucky situation. I can’t really tell you when that realization came to me, but one day it hit me like the balloon my little sister hit me with when she was a baby. It hit me and I mean it hit me hard. I never really looked or even thought of the toxic energy I could bring; I never thought about how negative my mind could get, while allowing the negative words to pour out of me and grow within my heart and seep slowly down in my soul. It was just never me. When that realization hit me however, it changed my whole perspective of how I was living. I realized nobody really has to deal with the toxic parts of me; the same way I knew I didn’t have to deal with the toxic parts of others. I realized I could be just as unhealthy to someone as they could be to me; and that wasn’t a good feeling to have. I didn’t want to be an unhealthy habit in someone’s life.
3. I Changed my mindset.
Negative thoughts were running in my mind like it had its own playground, and I was the host. My mind was my worst enemy. Serial overthinking had become my thing, and I think this was and sometimes still is one of the hardest things for me to concur and stay consistent with. It’s a process and allowing yourself time is important. Take it one day at time and when those thoughts come up that does not feed your soul with peace, I have learned that you must instantly reject those thoughts. Because if you don’t it can quickly taint your mood. And we all want peace and good vibes. It may sound a little out of the way but talking to yourself, giving yourself that pep talk truly does help.
4. I became self-aware.
I stopped being in denial and I became more self-aware of my own toxic traits and habits. I became self-aware of the things that would trigger me. Though there seems to always be a trigger as you heal, when those triggers come, you’ll know how to handle them differently, and they won’t seem as big as they once did before. So, I knew I had ways about myself. I knew that I was making choices that were not bringing that peace I desperately was searching for to my life. I knew I wasn’t really putting in the work to heal and to let go. I knew I wanted to heal, but if I had to answer the question of if I was really putting in the work; my answer would have been no. I started living by Faith without works is dead (James 2:26). I studied myself; I observed the cycles that I had been in for years that always came back with the same outcome and sometimes worse the more I circled back around. I looked at the cycles that were draining me, the mindset that I was choosing to hold on to. I got help. I had to get help. Because even though I thought I was doing something, I was actually doing, absolutely nothing, besides causing more damage to my soul and to my mind. In a world where society preps you to think me, myself and I is all I have. I decided that I needed help, so I put myself in therapy with the idea that it wasn’t going to last long; what can this person do for me besides judge me. Even though I went into therapy with that mindset because I was a runner and staying put was harder than running for me, I knew deep down it was something I really wanted to give a chance. The first time I tried therapy I ghosted her; I’m not saying it proudly because I really did want it to work but unfortunately, we weren’t the right fit. The second time I tried therapy it took me a while to reach out. I had my initial meeting and YES! I was still planning on running; sneakers on with my shoelaces tied tight, okay! But while I had one plan, God had another. And therapy quickly became a positive habit for me and something that I genuinely have grown to look forward to. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments, and I try to ease myself back out the door every now and then; but God has connected me with the right therapist that knows how to pull me back in with a pinch of sarcasm, understanding, patience and a lot of love. Make sure you know finding the right therapist is important. I used https://therapyforblackgirls.com/
5. I gave myself time.
Often, we rush ourselves. We rush to work because were late (or is that just me). We’re rushing to get to doctor’s appointments; sometimes we’re rushing just to be rushing. Just in general were rushing. And sometimes it doesn’t even require us to rush. We have a deadline for everything. Instead of enjoying the process we’re trying to make it to the finish line as quickly as possible. You must give yourself time. There’s no time limit on healing. It’s a process, it’s a process that doesn’t always feel good. And sometimes it doesn’t always seem like any progress is being made. At times it seemed easier for me to just stay in my comfort zone, even though it felt like my comfort zone was suffocating me and no longer serving its purpose of protecting me. My comfort zone was hindering me more than helping me because my coping mechanism was either A) running away or B) I was going to push something or someone away, it was just easier for me to run, instead of staying still and trusting the process; because I had a fear of the unknown, especially in a situation where I had no control. Staying in my mind and thinking about all the possibilities and what ifs was easier instead of facing the discomfort of knowing. I guess because my possibilities and what ifs always seemed to ride off towards the worst possible outcome; why is it that it’s easier to think negative sometimes, than to daydream of the beauty something truly could be. I guess it’s a hope thing. 99% of the time it turns out to be beautiful. I thought you should know.
6. I let ships sink that needed to sink.
What do I mean by that. I stopped holding onto pain. I stopped holding onto situations and ideas, daydreams, people, and environments that I knew would not bring me peace. Thoughts that I knew did not go with my reality, the things I wanted to believe when the truth was right there in my sight. I didn’t necessarily lose hope, but I allowed things to be what they truly were. Instead of trying to fight for temporary things to stay, I focused on creating a positive space for genuine permanent things to fill my life. I wanted to create a space that welcomed the right things into my world.
7. I started believing that healing was possible for me
I can remember many times where I saw that God was doing so many amazing things for others and I thought well that will never happen for me. I looked at how peaceful others looked, how the joy was just running off of them like pure gold; and here I was dusty, floating in a dark cloud of depression, going through a cycle of never-ending pain, all alone with no one to understand me. When I shifted that mindset, I acknowledged, and I understood that believing matters. I understood that God wants to heal me, he wants me to be full of his peace; while I understood all of that I also understood that I had a lot of deep-rooted issues that had built up and I was buried deep, underneath it all, as life continued. I realized I wasn’t as lost as I thought I was, and I wasn’t alone. I knew that I had to believe, and I needed God to work in any unbelief that grew within me.
